Chapter Xx Surprise!

here’s the thing…if you’ve read our story, we struggled with infertility for years.

I remember vividly the day the fertility doc told us that IVF would be our “only option” for a biological child. I was pretty inconsolable when I first heard this news. I couldn’t go back into work that day. But yes, I moved on from that day and those feelings. I gained perspective – that we are in fact lucky to have had the option of and later the success through IVF. Hello, Ellie Sue!

When I took the pregnancy test less than a week before this past Christmas it was because I had some weird nausea and realized my period hadn’t come yet. I had only had one since Ellie. I didn’t expect anything to be like clock work after childbirth though.

I remember talking to my friend Carmen at work a few days earlier when suddenly a wave of nausea hit me…All I could think was – “oh no that stomach bug?!” I had to sit down. A little voice in the back of my mind said “this feeling is familiar…morning sickness?…” I shrugged it off. Until a few days later when I asked Nick to grab a pregnancy test at CVS while he was picking up last minute Christmas cards. I just couldn’t shake the need to triple check, as silly as it seemed for me. Nick didn’t think much of it all. If you’ve struggled with infertility, you’ve likely taken a lot of tests. They’re not that exciting anymore.

I’ll never forget when that line went solid blue within seconds. The bluest blue I’ve ever seen. Like blink ya eyes am I hallucinating blue. My first reaction “oh.my.god., what? Is this thing broken?”

I walked the test downstairs to Nick and said “look at this.” We just stared at each other and started laughing. And both kept repeating “no way, no way.”

Clearly this wasn’t planned. I mean, I didn’t expect we’d ever get pregnant on our own after everything we went through before. We were told we had a 5% chance to naturally conceive!

I spent days in a state of anxiety with mixed emotions. From…omg this means we don’t have to do IVF again!! Thank god! It’s a miracle!! To…omg, I don’t think my body is ready. I don’t think WE are ready for this journey again. What about Ellie? Does this take away from the time we planned with just her? It’s so soon to have another, oh my!! (They’ll be 14 months apart!) What about work? I feel like I just got back. Etc etc etc I had ALL the thoughts. My mind went wild. Once again, my body is not my own. Holy sh*t.

Am I happy? Of course. We always hoped for another child. We always hoped Ellie would have a sibling to navigate life with.

But really…it was the biggest surprise that all we could do initially was laugh and stare at each other in disbelief.

Even if this means our little family expands sooner than we anticipated, we are grateful. And since when have we ever been able to plan this stuff!?

here we go again!

Baby BOY Moore

Already have a name…

Charles Francis

Named after Nick’s grandfather and my Dad.

Lil Charlie 💙

Due early Aug

Pic below – Ellie thinks my big (yes already!) baby belly is hilarious. This is the cake I made to surprise Nick with the gender.

Chapter One: The beginning of our journey

Our “journey to a family” (someone suggested I use this phrase vs. “infertility journey”) started back in Spring/Summer 2015. We had found a house in the ‘burbs. We were doing what a lot of couples do “trying but not really trying” to have a baby. It had probably been almost 6 months of that, maybe more.

By June(ish) 2015 we were pregnant! I remember the day I held the positive test in my hand and showed Nick in the kitchen. I’ll never forget how excited we were. I literally jumped in into his arms and we danced around the kitchen in our new house. I still savor this moment because we were completely, purely happy.

But…our bliss only lasted a few days.

Within a short time it was clear something wasn’t right. I started bleeding one morning and ended up at the doctor’s office. I remember being told we were likely miscarrying and there wasn’t much to do but let “nature take its course.” We were upset but in the back of my mind, I also thought…well ok, I guess this is a good sign, we got pregnant and we weren’t really “trying.”    

Little did I know…something funky was going on…

I was still getting a positive pregnancy test days later. The doctor told me to come into the office immediately. After some blood work, it was found my hormone levels had actually risen very slightly after all the bleeding and I was sent to get an ultrasound where they discovered we had an ectopic pregnancy. I remember calling our nurse from Harvard Vanguard from the random ultrasound office in Brookline, I was crying a lot. She did her best to calm me down. I didn’t really know what an ectopic meant, I just knew I had been holding out hope that we were actually pregnant and things were ok – but this scan proved not so much.

An ectopic pregnancy is when a pregnancy happens in the fallopian tube. An ectopic is dangerous because the tube can burst causing internal bleeding. It’s something you need to take care of immediately.

Over the course of the next two weeks – my doctor recommended rather than surgery to remove the ectopic, that I take an injection of the drug called methotrexate. A chemo drug that kills fast growing cells and one that’s commonly used to “dissolve” ectopic pregnancies. I got a shot of it right in my butt cheek. At the time, Nick and I were just going through the motions, doing what we needed to do. They tested my blood every other day to confirm my hormone levels were dropping…no such luck. I had to go back (I believe it was on a Saturday or Sunday) for another dose. I remember sitting in the maternity ward of Beth Israel waiting for my second methotrexate shot. I kept thinking, “why in the f&ck do they have me in the MATERNITY ward?” We obviously hoped the second dose would work – otherwise, I’d have to go in for surgery.

Fast forward, I’m watching the Real Housewives of OC episode when Vicky’s mom died. The episode was riveting. I remember cramps starting and getting progressively worse. By the end of the episode, I wasn’t sure if I was having sympathy pains or what. But I ended up calling the doctor on call (it was a Sunday night, I think?) and they advised me to get to the ER. Poor Nick, drove through the windy back roads of the S. Shore while I told (maybe I yelled?) him to “slow down the bumps hurt!” and “hurry up, just get there!” I was in a lot of pain. They thought maybe the ectopic had burst and I was bleeding internally. I kept picturing blood filling my abdomen. By the time we got to South Shore hospital I could hardly walk. Hunched over, I walked into the ER and sat in a wheelchair. I also remember being surprised when the front desk insisted on my insurance information. I was like “what?! I’m like dying here!” I clearly wasn’t dying…but I was definitely emotionally distressed and in some serious pain.

I ended up in the ER overnight on morphine. After a few scans, they told me nothing had burst but the pain was likely the ectopic finally dissolving. I was like “what?!” I was sure I was bleeding out…but no, (thankfully) this was just the type of pain the whole process can cause. Nick stayed next to me all night sitting upright in a hard chair. I, at least laid in bed with warm blankets and morphine.

The next day I had a couple ultrasounds to confirm the ectopic was in fact dissolving. Thankfully, it was. I also got extremely sick from the morphine. Bringing the whole “sickness and health” thing to a new level…Nick held barf bags while I threw up. Literally, I was laying on a gurney out in the open in the ultrasound area just barfing. Typing this now it actually brings tears to my eyes because I remember thinking about how awful I felt but Nick probably felt just as helpless and had stayed with me the whole time then had to head right to work.

During this whole thing I missed a couple of days of work. Looking back now, I pushed myself to “just get through it” and not make a “big deal of things.” Which did me no favors. After all, it was a big deal. I paid for it emotionally down the line. I don’t think I gave myself ample time to process it all.

One of the hardest things was when the doctor’s told us we couldn’t try for three months after the methotrexate injections because we had to wait for it to fully pass through my system (it’s quite toxic). At the time that was devastating news – we couldn’t just try again next month and put this behind us?! We had to wait THREE whole months!? Little did I know it would be another 2 ½ years and multiple fertility treatments before we’d ever see another “plus sign.” Definitely for the better that I didn’t know that then.

This is part 1 of my journey. The good news is…there’s a light at the end of the tunnel but I’m here to share my true, full journey in hopes that it helps someone else. Or at least brings more awareness to the things we women, we couples, go through on our “journey to a family.”

Monday fast faves 

typing this on my phone / during my morning commute. So please excuse the typos 😉

So it’s Monday – you’re tired. You wanna look a bit more refreshed? You wanna fight the signs of fatigue and aging? Besides drinking water and getting some Zzzzzzs – work an eye cream into your routine. I have a few faves. The one I’m using these days below = Sunday Riley’s ‘Start Over’ active eye cream. Hydrating, de-puffing (can’t say anything has ever zapped my dark circles – other than sleep and concealer), great pump container.

Love this stuff. Find on Sephora.com. 

  

Want a little color? Don’t you dare go tanning (if I had a time machine – I’d go back and yell to my 18 year old self). I’m a big fan of the Clarins self tanning line. Especially this stuff below. Clarins Liquid Bronze Self tanning milk. For face and neck. Natural color. I apply at night after I wash my face and before moisturizer- and I wake up with a bit of {natural} color.  Available at most major dept stores. I snagged mine @ Nordstrom. 

These L. Erickson hair elastics. I was just introduced (thanks, Diana!) to them and LOVE. They’re cute, hold my hair, don’t get tangled…great for loose or tight styles.  Got this pack @ Nordstrom for $10. A must have for your purse and beach bag this summer!  

This is the go-to soap for my gym bag. Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap. This is a handy travel size. It also comes in bar form. I love the lavender scent. It lathers nicely. I use the scentless version on the pups!  I snagged this @ Whole Foods.  

This pretty pink and super moisturizing gloss by Clarins. I swear by this when my lips are dry and I need a hint of color. Great tube size for your purse!  

Oh tinted moisturizer, you’re a must for summer. I’ve been loving this tinted moisturizer by Eve Lom since last summer. It has good coverage. I apply with the lovely, soft Eve Lom foundation brush.  And mix with my Elta MD SPF 41 (don’t forget xtra SPF!) 

That’s it for now! {Happy Monday!!}

 

So MIA…

It has been months since I wrote a post…where have I been?? Pretty much completely swept away in wedding planning. I’ve found the process super stressful and all the details overwhelming. This past weekend I realized, I miss my hobby of blogging about girly things (like make up, jeans, toiletries, and cupcakes!)…if I’m going to be staring at a computer screen, I’d rather it be to share new tips, tricks, and products…than mull over a guest list or stalk down my florist via email. So here I am! Back in action! Here is a recent pic of my mascot Howie Moore and my future husband, Nick – who is clearly exhausted from all the wedding planning he is (not) doing

Howie & Nick snoozin

 Feel free to send post ideas! I look forward to hearing from you guys

glad to be back 🙂