IVF

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To my PAL Moms

/ BethonBeauty / Leave a comment

What is pregnancy after loss?

I’ve had this marathon analogy in my head. Which is kinda ironic because I’ve never actually run a marathon. But to me pregnancy after loss or “PAL” (there’s an acronym for everything) is like this…

You trained for your first marathon (months and months of training) – midway through the actual race you trip and fall and can’t finish. You’re injured. In pain physically and mentally, so incredibly disappointed that despite all that prep and getting halfway through it, it all went to shit. You’re left thinking…”where did I get wrong?” but the loss goes deeper than not finishing the race. You feel sad, angry, defeated. So many other people finished, why not you? You try to pick up and move on – but the moments surrounding your injury haunt you. You tell yourself you will run a marathon again but now there is something in the back of your mind saying, “but will you ever finish?”, “will I always come up short?”, “what if I get hurt again? I don’t think I can bear more pain.” To say you’re unsure of yourself is an understatement.

Somehow, after some time of healing, you get back on the road. You’re starting from ground zero. Your body is tired. You haven’t run a mile in months, let alone multiple miles. Your body feels slow and uneasy. You try to focus on what’s right in front of you. You try not to think about the “what if I fail” thoughts – but they creep up. It’s literally the mental battle of your life. Physically, you’re impressed that your body can endure so much but mentally, you wonder if you can take anymore. But you do.

Ok, so this is my analogy, you get it. I guess it’s pretty clear…at least to me.

After we lost Charlie, I took some time (6 weeks) off of work – during this time I planted some wildflowers with my Dad. When they finally bloomed, it brought me some much needed joy. I’m planning to get a small wildflower tattoo one day and now you know why.

Being pregnant after we lost Charlie was hard. And actually, getting pregnant again wasn’t easy either. We ended up doing a round of IVF to have Calvin. Which is a whole journey in itself. And super f’n ironic considering we got naturally pregnant with Charlie.

Once we were pregnant, I was “happy” yet terrified. It was a day-to-day thing, sometimes hour to hour. Including telling myself often “you are pregnant right now. Everything is ok.” That was an important mantra.

The scans were the hardest. If you know our story, you know the floor dropped out for us at our anatomy scan. To this day, I do not enjoy ultrasound pics – so if you show me one, I’ll feign delight but secretly coil inside. Our 16-week early anatomy scan with Calvin was the biggest – as this was the point where the doctors said they’d be able to tell if anything was going awry but at least this time it’d be 4 weeks earlier. I could barely speak in those scans. Thankfully, I had the same wonderful tech for each of my scans {her name is Amber}. I remember one scan – she seemed a tad quiet, and I thought “he’s dead, isn’t he?” how’s that for a horrible thought? But once the floor drops out, it’s hard not to think of the worst-case scenario happening again. I was often preparing myself for the worst. When a scan went well, I’d marvel that the drive home felt like such an ordinary day. Just another day after an appointment which was such a stark contrast to that one appointment now almost 2 years ago when a seemingly ordinary day turned extraordinary in a blink.

It was a blessing in disguise for me that I was pregnant during the pandemic – I was able to hide my pregnancy for quite some time. I didn’t need to travel for work. I could lay low. I went to every appointment alone – which I know is actually awful for most pregnant women but for me, I had tunnel vision – I was ok being alone if it meant my baby was ok. I was ok if my MFM (maternal fetal medicine) doctor was there by my side. His name is Achilles and he’s truly an amazing human. The gratitude I have for his care cannot be properly put into words.

Telling a pregnant woman (or partner of a pregnant woman) after loss that “everything will be fine” is hardly a helpful statement. I get it. I get the power of positivity. But the fact is, that’s simply not how it feels after you’ve been through a loss. What is better to say? How about: I am here for you. I am saying prayers for you and your baby daily. Something to acknowledge that it’s not easy but you are there with them regardless of outcome (which is ultimately out of anyone’s control – no matter how many people might think or tell you otherwise).

People often call me strong. On one hand, I appreciate it – I mean, would I rather be called weak? Obviously not. But once you’ve been through a trauma, the “you’re so strong” phrase can be numbing. What choice do I have? One of the hardest things about loss is that the world keeps on spinning while you’re practically frozen in time. The carousel of life keeps turning and you’re literally like, “wait, can we just pause for a minute? Something profoundly awful has happened.” But that’s not life.

This might seem like an oddly joyful pic given the above paragraph – but I often think of this photo with the whole carousel analogy. The summer after we lost Charlie (the summer I should have been in my 3rd trimester heading towards his due date in early Aug), we tried to “make the best” of things. We made a trek to Storyland in NH. Although so much felt so heavy, we had a great time. That’s Nick (my husband) on the carousel – behind him, is my Dad holding Ellie as she sits atop one of the horses. Don’t get me wrong, it was hard to carry on, but we did, and we made some amazing memories that summer that I will always cherish.

I’ve been able to be strong because of the many resources I have access to. You can call this privilege because it is. Good insurance that afforded me therapy, medications to better cope with the trauma. An incredible network of family and friends who have held me up. Financial means to take time off of work after my loss, as well as afford IVF (with some insurance coverage). Believe me, I don’t shortchange myself and my efforts but I can also recognize where I am fortunate based on where I live/who I am. This is why I share my story, why I push for people to share (if they want), because it raises awareness and reduces shame/secrecy around an all-too-common situation. I believe it will help in a bigger way.

I am here on the other side of PAL – with a beautiful baby boy (and another beautiful baby boy forever in my heart). In many ways my heart is stronger and more grateful than it’s ever been, but it is also different, and I still deal with the aftermath of our loss. It is imprinted in me and that’s ok. To my fellow PAL Mom’s, I see you. You’re not alone. We are stronger together.

As maternity leave comes to a close…

/ BethonBeauty / 1 Comment

I was just looking at an old email from work. back in May, I wrote:

“out on maternity leave starting Jun 8th – returning Oct 1st.”

how the heck is it almost Oct 1st?

It feels like yesterday but then again a lifetime ago that I wrote that message. It’s hard to believe I’m already returning to work on Monday.

I know it’s easy to say when you’re on the “other side of the storm” but time has passed at a rapid pace.

It feels like yesterday that I cried for baby Ellie…when she was just a hope in my mind. It feels like yesterday that was I laughing about my swollen pregnancy feet. Like yesterday that I told myself “wow, we have the whole summer together!”

I savored the mornings we were able to stay in bed together. I’d nurse her…catch up on some reality TV…and drink my coffee. Now here we are…Ellie is at daycare and I’m sitting at our local coffee shop trying to pass some time.

I realize that I’m lucky that I have a “buffer” week during which Ellie will be at daycare and I haven’t started back at work yet. {If you can swing this type of arrangement, I highly recommend it.}

This morning we were out the door on time, with a bag full of baby goods, a list of “instructions,” and NO breast milk. Oops. So, yea, I had to drop Ellie off and then go back with the milk. Thankfully, our daycare is literally a mile from our house.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from this experience it’s the need to seek gratitude every day. My new saying is “ever grateful.” {Even got a bracelet to remind me of this from an awesome company called MyIntent. See below} It probably sounds cheesy, but it’s been the way that I’ve re-framed things for myself when I’m feeling down or ruminating on something that in the big scheme isn’t a big deal.

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I’ve let myself cry it out a bit that my baby is going to be in the arms of someone else for almost 10 hours a day for 5 days a week. Feels unnatural. But then I realize I am grateful to have found an amazing person to care for Ellie. And that I am actually excited to return to work and be with some of my favorite people there.

That I’m lucky we live in a beachside town and I was able to enjoy 4 months of maternity leave by the beach. To have spent some quality time with my Dad. He had open heart surgery last Nov, so it’s been particularly special to have that quality time after life reminded us last Fall how quickly things can change.

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there she is – a lil piece of my heart.

It still boggles my mind that we are here…with a baby…almost 4 months old! As there was a time I wasn’t sure we’d ever have our own baby. I’ve heard that even if things work out with your infertility journey it’s never really a skin or a reality you totally shed. My heart always hurts extra hard for the couples I know that are struggling. I can’t tell you how many conversations I had this summer with couples or women who have been through (or are going through) a similar journey. It has connected/re-connected me to more people than I’d ever have expected. I am grateful for that. And I’m still always there if someone wants to talk about their journey or just needs a shoulder to cry on.

So…as I approach my return to work on Monday. I can say…I’m anxious as heck. I feel guilty for stopping nursing, for leaving my baby, for actually wanting to go back to work. But I am more than anything grateful for this full experience. The good and the bad – because as a whole it’s been beautiful.

now just a little Rumi quote to end it – – it’s the yogi in me, what can I say…

“Yesterday is gone and its tale told. Today new seeds are growing”

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Ellie’s birth story

/ BethonBeauty / 4 Comments

I wanted to share Ellie’s birth story before I completely forget. I’ve already blacked out some of it – which I’ve heard is nature’s way of getting you to be ok with doing it all over again.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. My blood pressure was moderately high (it had never been high before or earlier in my pregnancy), I had protein in my urine, and my leg/foot swelling was pretty severe. As much as this condition was frustrating/uncomfortable and can lead to serious complications…I thankfully wasn’t in a lot of pain. I ended up working the last three weeks of my pregnancy from home to keep my blood pressure down. There was a point when this bummed me out a lot but… 1) I was lucky to have the flexibility to work from home and 2) I needed to let go of the unrealistic expectation of working up until my due date like other women I know. It just wasn’t in the cards for me.

This was one of the last and only pictures I have of myself “super” pregnant. Admittedly, we took quite a few to get one that I was comfortable with. It was worth it though because we want to be able to show Ellie one day!

there they are! my super swollen cankles and feet! Those lines are from the only pair of slip on sandals I was able to wear towards the end of my pregnancy! 

Because of the preeclampsia I was closely monitored towards the end and they typically induce you around the 37 week mark vs. let you go with it for too long. My doc had me induced at 38 weeks and a couple days. We both felt better knowing I had passed the 37 week mark which is considered full term these days.

I went into Beth Israel on a Wednesday night. I was given cervidil around 11pm. Then it was a waiting game and the nurses came by periodically to check on me. I was given 2 doses. At 3am Thursday morning my water broke. I was wide awake and remember feeling a weird pop and a rush of fluid. Nick was sound asleep. It was then that I realized my husband can fall sound asleep anywhere at the drop of a dime. I paged the nurses and they came right in.

I had this impression that things would speed up after this point. Not really! My cervix took a few more hours to totally efface. During this time, I was having bad cramping and opted for a narcotic (I think it was fentanyl) to help with the pain. I was too early for the epidural and the medicine they gave me didn’t take away the pain it just made me feel woozy – but I was able to calm down a bit and nod off. Up until then I was just sitting up watching the clock and wanting to punch Nick for snoring.

Once I started dilating they moved us to a delivery room. At this point, I was progressing pretty well. I honestly can’t remember exact timing but once I hit 2 centimeters, I asked for the epidural. It was honestly the unknown of “will this pain get worse??” that convinced me I needed the epidural right then. I was nervous getting the epidural would hurt but it wasn’t that bad at all. I was nervous it would totally numb me, but I could still feel my toes which I was happy about and it completely took away the severe cramping that is contractions.

It wasn’t until Thu night that it was actually time to push. Since you are able to administer the epidural dosing to yourself (although they regulate it to a button press every 20 mins or so) I was fully numb below the waist except for my toes. In hindsight I wish I didn’t let myself get that numb as I couldn’t feel if my pushing was actually “working”/focused on the right area! The nurses kept telling me to push like I was trying to poop. I had a ridiculous fear of pooping while pushing. It was honestly distracting because I kept thinking I pooped myself in front of everyone. In hindsight, this was a complete waste of energy. Don’t do what I did and preoccupy your mind with a silly worry like this. Just remember, the nurses have seen it all!

I had also told the nurses that Nick was going to hold a leg while pushing but he’d stay up near my shoulders. Also, in hindsight, this is hilarious because I didn’t want him to see “everything” and believe me when I say he saw IT ALL by the end of this production. There was no way around it. Just let it go. Any and all modesty goes out the window when you’re trying to get that baby out!

So there I was pushing for hours and every so often a doctor or resident would come by to check if Ellie was progressing. At first things were looking good. Then, boom, she was right at the birth canal. I kept pushing for hours and she did not budge. I’ve never been so exhausted in my life. At one point, the doctor wanted me to push ‘one more hour’ and I asked for a short break because I felt so weak. I cried a bit because I was feeling discouraged.

It was around 1am Friday morning that I was totally zapped. There was talk of forceps or the vacuum – both of which freaked me out. I started to feel really frustrated because she literally wasn’t moving, and I felt like all my effort was useless. I asked to speak to the doctor and told myself to stay calm and avoid getting testy. I looked at the doctor and just asked her – based on her professional opinion, what should I do? She’s not moving. If she were moving, if even a tiny bit, I’d keep pushing, but this was getting to be too much. This is when she finally looked at me and said a c-section was my best option. That’s all I needed to hear. Ellie’s head was sideways, and she wasn’t coming out the natural way.

They needed to prep the OR and during this time both Nick and I passed out cold. I woke up around 2am being wheeled into the OR. I was delirious. For those who’ve been in an OR, it’s a freaky place. So bright and white!

They lay you out on the table and have your arms spread at your sides. Thankfully, they don’t strap them down because I would have lost it. Nick wasn’t in the room yet and because I was so tired and anxious – I started to feel really panicked. I had a moment or two where I thought I was going to have a panic attack but tried my best to control my breathing. The anesthesiologist administered the medicine through my epidural line and I was freaked out I’d lose total feeling in my lower body. Don’t get me wrong, you want to be numb for this surgery! The whole idea of being cut open on table while awake is unnerving. But I was glad that I could still feel my toes after the meds set in. And finally, Nick entered the room and I told myself “if anything went wrong he could carry me out.” Ha!

It felt like the actual c-section was pretty long. Ellie was stuck down there, and Nick said it was kind of crazy how my body rocked back and forth while they tried to dislodge her. I just laid there shaking and teeth chattering profusely. Apparently, this is a common side effect though.

Finally, she was out. At 2:53am on Friday, June 8th – almost 24 hours from the time my water broke, we heard a loud screech. It was such a relief to hear that sound. I remember thinking she sounded like a cat. They had Nick stand up to see her. And lucky him he also got to see my insides on the table (gross!) because they hadn’t put me back together yet. Like I said earlier, by the end of this he saw EVERYTHING.

There we are. The anesthesiologist offered to take a pic – in my mind I thought ‘hell no! I’m a mess!’ But thankfully I agreed. I expected to be a whiteish green in these pics based on how anxious and exhausted I felt…but I’m glad I didn’t let those thoughts prevent me from getting such a perfect picture. The first moments our little family was finally together. ♥️

 

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There she is! Eleanor Susan Moore…ESM…better known as: Ellie Sue

They had Nick get up and go over to the station where they clean her up, weigh her, and cut the umbilical cord. It was weird to know she was “here” but I had to wait what felt like at least 5-10 minutes to actually meet/see her. I wasn’t all starry-eyed waiting for her. I was still shaking and wanted to just get the hell out of the OR. When they finally brought her over – I couldn’t believe how small and cute she was! And thank god – healthy.

Once they put me back together and transferred me to a gurney – the nurse held her out and asked if I wanted to hold her. I started to feel sick and the last thing I wanted was to hold her and get sick. So, there I was – barfing up a storm while everyone stood around me. I was finally able to hold her in the recovery area. All was right in the world and she was truly the most beautiful little thing I’d ever seen.

My recovery experience at Beth Israel was really positive. I know how lucky we are to have a healthy baby despite a somewhat tricky labor and delivery. I am grateful that I gave birth at BI.

heading home! some would say we overpacked but I was happy with everything we brought. As we got in the elevator to leave the nurse said…”see you next year!!” haha! I don’t think so!

What also helped was I didn’t go in with a strict birth plan. I had filled out this questionnaire (designed by Earth Mama Organics) that gave me a good sense of some considerations but I had decided long ago there was no use to go in with a plan because like many things, I knew I wouldn’t have control over this situation. I was somewhat upset I ended up with a c-section, but it wasn’t as bad because I went in telling myself “you just don’t know what will happen” and in the back of my mind a c-section was always a possibility. Especially because I was induced. The probability of a c section is higher when you are induced.

My advice would be – let go of any master plans or big expectations. Also, no two birth experiences are the same so don’t get too caught up on other people’s stories. It was really only so helpful to read / hear other people’s stories. Some people freaked me out while others made it seem so easy.

And that’s Ellie’s birth story. I can’t believe it’s been 7 week since then. If you have any questions – ask me in the message section. I’m happy to share more content on this/related topics! fitness during pregnancy? c-section recovery? what to pack in your hospital bag? you name it!

Q&A on the journey to family

/ BethonBeauty / 1 Comment

How did you prepare for fertility treatments/IVF?

Find a doctor that you’re comfortable with that you can ask questions to and feel like your perspective and concerns are being heard. I got a lot of recommendations and did some online research but it came down to meeting the doctor in person. My husband and I live near Boston so we benefit by having a lot of options in the area. If you don’t live in such an area, I’d say, do your research online and even find a group on Facebook that can give you a trusted referral to start with.

Do your research on costs. I was somewhat naive going in. I knew we had some insurance coverage but I took for granted how much we had (or shall I say, didn’t have). There were a bunch of “surprise” bills because of this. I didn’t realize we had a coverage cap on fertility medications separate from the lifetime max on our insurance for the fertility treatments/procedures (which includes blood work, surgeries, egg retrieval etc.). I found the whole insurance process confusing and super frustrating. I think this is where your partner can step in to help. Encourage him/her to do the research and help with the paperwork. Then you can plan from the outset if you need to set aside or save up money for the cost of fertility treatments/IVF.

To prepare for an actual IVF round, some people suggest cutting out certain foods or “getting in better shape.” Honestly, I didn’t make any drastic changes. There will be enough going on – I didn’t need to start a new “diet” or work out routine. I did however prioritize self care. Which could mean a lot of things – more yoga, less alcohol (I didn’t say NO alcohol), more sleep, mani/pedi, time alone, reading etc. Don’t feel one bit bad putting yourself first during this time. If you can’t make certain events or swing an after-work outing, just don’t go, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

What helped during IVF?

As mentioned above, self care. A bit of pampering helped – which included heading to bed early most week nights after shots. Oh, and red wine if I wanted it. And giving myself permission to lay low if that’s how I felt. Additionally, comfy leggings because you’ll likely feel bloated!

The other piece of advice which I realize is easier said than done – try to stay off the internet and googling things. Try your best to take it one step at a time and not compare to other people’s experiences. When we did our egg retrieval we got 5 eggs – I was SO upset. I had read about some women getting 15+. I remember crying to the doctor and feeling like the whole process was a waste. She said to me “I have my daughter from a 5 egg retreival.” It still didn’t make me feel better though. I knew 5 eggs didn’t mean 5 embryos. We ended up with 2 embryos. The first one didn’t take and the second one…well, that’s Ellie! So my point is, please please, if you can, avoid the internet and allowing yourself to snowball around what ifs. You are on your own path and often times these online forums are not that helpful and just cause more anxiety.

How do you support a friend going through IVF?

I wrote a little about this in my first post…but I think this is a good questions because I know it’s tough on both ends. As a friend of someone going through IVF, don’t feel like you always have to bring it up or do any grand gestures per se. A text saying hello and asking how your friend is feeling can go a long way. Like any other tough situation in life, it helps to just reach out, say hello, and stay connected. The worst thing is feeling alienated or that people are avoiding you because of the situation. Again, a card or a simple text can be enough. No one expects you to have the perfect thing to say. We’re all human!

Do I tell my family? close friends? boss?

This is truly personal preference. I’ve gotten to the point where I am very comfortable sharing with people how we got to this pregnancy. But some people aren’t as comfortable sharing such details. Also, I think “your circle” becomes clear over time. Those people who you feel more comfortable giving more information to vs. those people who you might keep moderately or mildly informed. I don’t think you should pressure yourself to share more than you want to regardless of who.

As for work, again, I think it comes down to how comfortable you are sharing and if you think the support system is there for you. You’re going to have a lot of appointments and might have “off” days with all the hormones charging through you – so it could help to let your boss and/or immediate team know what’s happening outside of work that could impact what’s happening at work. Again, we’re all human. Life happens. And it’s hard to always keep things separate. And honestly, if people aren’t supportive at work, I’d eventually re-look at your place of employment because if there is one thing I’ve learned, sh*t happens. Illness, accidents, loss…something is bound to come up for everyone, so showing empathy in the work place is critical to fostering a strong team and healthy work/life balance.

What general advice do you have for couples going through IVF?

It’s a journey and can be an emotional one. If you can swing it, I think couples or individual therapy can be helpful when you’re going through the process. Additionally, I think it’s important to make time as a couple outside of the whole “journey to family” process. It’s very easy to let it take over and it can zap the romance. Try your best to set aside time to go on a date and be with each other not under the terms of baby-making.

The other thing I found helpful was (as mentioned above) – having Nick take on some of the insurance stuff – as I was too overwhelmed with starting the medication and the “idea” of it all. This way, it felt like we were dividing up some of the work. Nick also mixed and prepped the meds for me which was helpful and was the one who got the supplies (e.g. band-aids). I know it’s tough to see your significant other taking medications and going through pain…so it helped to have him involved/accountable in some way in the process.

As the woman, it’s inevitably more stress on your body – so hopefully your partner will be open to giving out extra TLC. Such as, going out and grabbing you an ice cream or giving you a back rub. I also always reminded Nick that neither of us are experts in the topic and it was uncharted territory for us both. It can be tough when you’re in the thick of it – but try to cut each other slack. We always reminded each other that at the end of the day, we’re a team and we’re in it together. I also sometimes just needed him to listen to my concerns and anxieties even if he didn’t totally “get it.”

Were you nervous about the medication?

I’ve had people say to me “I’d never be able to go through that!” and believe me, there was a time when the idea of putting hormones into my body was a “ya f’in right.” But then you’re faced with something as your only or best option for a biological child. I totally understand and respect the people who opt not to do fertility treatments as it’s a lot of stress on the body (and mind). However, like anything else, until you’re faced with the decision and/or option, it’s hard to know how you’ll feel.

I definitely feared what the meds could do in the long term. I worried about them increasing my risk of cancer. But I tried to look at it with more perspective, I knew in a lot of ways Nick and I are lucky because we even had the option of IVF. I always knew that like any medical procedure there is risk. So, we decided together that it was the path we wanted to take. However, I also wanted to discuss the possibility of adoption because to me it was about having a family even if it wasn’t exactly how I pictured it all coming together in my mind’s eye. It was also acknowledging the unknown in the process and what options we did have if things didn’t go the way we wanted them to initially.

So yea, overall, I hate the idea of the meds and I didn’t like taking them. But here I am pregnant with Ellie…and without those meds, I don’t think we’d be here. Rather than dwell on what could be all the bad in the experience – I’m more focused on being grateful for getting this far and holding our baby girl one day soon.

Chapter Four: Baby Moore is on the way

/ BethonBeauty / 1 Comment

I more than survived my surgery. After a couple months of recovery – we neared what would be our second embryo transfer. Because we had 1 little guy “on ice” we were able to forgo the full-blown IVF process and “just” do the embryo transfer phase. This still involves giving yourself meds. For me, the meds came in the form of estrogen patches and oral estrogen pills (#crazytrain), as well as progesterone shots. Shots right in the butt cheek. Nick had to administer these shots which I wasn’t happy about. During our first round of IVF I did the injections myself (Nick prepped the meds though)… I felt better having control over when the needle went into my stomach. So anyways, Nick had to learn how to do the progesterone injections. He got pretty good at it!

The day of the embryo transfer is relatively uneventful. You go to the doc office and they carefully put the embryo into your uterus. It’s painless. It’s very precise and sterile. There is a doc, nurse(s), ultrasound tech (since they watch on a screen when its transferred), and an embryologist in the room. Romantic, right?

I remember the ultrasound tech saying “oh my god, that’s a gorgeous embryo!” as they released it into my uterus (which I could see on the ultrasound screen…but barely, it’s so tiny). This made me burst out laughing which then made me panic because you’re supposed to stay very still during the procedure. I was sure I messed something up.

Once they’re done, you’re sent on your way. They no longer advise bed rest after a transfer (at least not my doc) but they told me to take it easy. Nick and I took it easy at the local bagel shop. Everything bagel, toasted with veggie cream cheese and a coffee. Oh, you thought I’d give up caffeine? Pfff. At this point, I was over depriving myself. It was also our 5-year anniversary the day we did the transfer. Between the special date and the delicious bagels and coffee – I think we had some type of lucky combination.

Now comes the fun part, you continue with the injections and have to wait 10 days to see if the embryo implants. This is a long 10 days. Go ahead and google the “10 day wait.” It’s a real thing. If you get your period, that means the embryo didn’t implant. If you don’t get your period, that could mean you’re pregnant.

Against medical recommendation, I took a pregnancy test at Day 6. I told myself…I know I’m not “supposed” to but I don’t f*ckin’ care. After last time when I held out until day 10 and legit got my period THAT morning and cried in the bathroom – I was like “I want to know NOW if this might be another big fat negative.” So, I peed on a pregnancy test. Not a fancy one but also not a cheap one. At this point, it’s like boggling your mind the money you’ve spend on this whole situation. No digital test for me at this stage.

And there it was…a very faint positive. I thought about not telling Nick. What if I got his hopes up for nothing? But, I couldn’t keep it a secret. I remember telling him as he laid on the couch watching TV. He was ecstatic. There I was…straight faced, like “yup, it’s positive but it’s really faint. I’m going to take another in the morning.” #nofunpolice

The reality is this “sciency” process does take a bit of the fun out of it.

The next morning, I took another test and there it was the same faint line. Over the next few days I told my sister – but kept it very hush hush otherwise as I waited for my official blood test. The morning of blood test, I went to the doc to get my blood drawn and then headed into work. As I walked into work I got a call from my Aunt…my Dad was in the hospital. He didn’t want me or my sister to know…but he was there and he was having heart issues.

Next thing I know, I’m at Faulkner Hospital. Which is the hospital my Dad decided to drive himself to after he went to urgent care with severe chest pains and they advised him to go to the hospital immediately. He was in good spirits and at this point we weren’t completely sure what was going on.

I got the call that we were indeed pregnant while I stood in the hallway at the hospital. I decided not to tell my Dad at this point as it was still so early in the pregnancy and I wanted him to focus on his health. Inside, I was happy and although my Dad being sick was scary, for some reason, this positive news and the realization that something was actually growing in there…gave me a sense of calm and strength I didn’t think I had.

Over the course of the next 6 weeks…my Dad was transferred to Brigham and Women to undergo a double bypass surgery. He was lucky. Had he not gone to the hospital when he did he would have had a massive heart attack. The surgery saved his life.

After a week or so of recovery in the ICU and then cardiac unit at the Brigham, my Dad moved into our house in Scituate and my sister, niece, and nephew came to stay with us for three weeks to help him recover. It was a crazy time. During most of it, I was ‘hiding’ my pregnancy from mostly everyone except those closest to us. I was going to work every day and either going to hospital after or coming home to a full house.

At about 8 weeks pregnant we had a scare. I had just gotten my hair done in town and was taking the boat home. All seemed fine at the time. But as I walked off the boat I got this weird feeling, like I had just gotten my period. It was like a sudden rush “down there.” In my head I thought “what was that? Did I get my period? This is weird.”

Once I got in the car, I reached down and touched the outside of my pants…blood had literally soaked through them. I panicked and called my sister. My sister has always been the calm one and thank god she was at our house. She told me everything could be ok and maybe it was just some spot bleeding. I drove home thinking “wow, I can’t believe this is over. No baby anymore.”

I really didn’t want to tell Nick what happened. I called the doctor and he told me that if I was still bleeding to go to the ER. Thankfully, I wasn’t. He told me it didn’t necessarily mean we lost the baby. But there I was like, “doc, this wasn’t like a little blood. This was A LOT.” He told me to take some Benadryl and come into the office in the morning for an ultrasound. I told Nick what was going on and we both slept like sh*t. The next morning we were like two zombies heading into the doc office waiting to hear the news. When we got there the nurses were very sweet and once in the ultrasound room the tech told us that she needed to look around before telling us anything. We just sat there in silence. God, that cannot be an easy job.

Finally, she goes, “ok, there it is.” And turned the screen towards us. I was like “what?” And she said “the baby, it’s right there. Everything looks fine.” I was so relieved. I think Nick was about to pass out. But I was also confused. Like, “wait, what caused that heavy bleeding? That can’t be normal?!” And she told us – that actually yes, sometimes sporadic bleeding does happen during early pregnancy and it’s not always a bad sign. Since mine was not accompanied by cramping and it tapered off, they said it was probably just old blood leaving my system. I was still baffled but grateful nonetheless.

Here we are now at 23 weeks pregnant. I have a baby registry and a bare room ready to become a nursery. I have a pot belly that my boobs pretty much rest on now. I can’t wear any of my old pants and have invested in maternity tops left and right. My mind still goes a bit haywire when people congratulate us. I’m so grateful but I also know I won’t fully believe it until I’m holding HER (her name is Baby Ellie) in my arms. Until then, I’m trying my best to take it one day at a time. I’m also trying to give other women some hope. Although I realize this road doesn’t always work out for everyone, I do have more faith now than I did before. And I’m often reminded of something someone said to me when we were in the thick of it all – “you might not have the family exactly how you pictured it in your mind’s eye but you WILL have a family one day.”

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This is Nana. Ellie Moores’ namesake. Also in this photo is my niece, Gianna who is 2 now.

That concludes Chapter Four. My next Chapter I’ll share a bit more about what helped me during my first trimester. Also, if there are any questions or topics people are particularly interested in, please email me. I’d love to use to fuel a future post. bethamckenna@gmail.com