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Ellie’s birth story

/ BethonBeauty / 4 Comments

I wanted to share Ellie’s birth story before I completely forget. I’ve already blacked out some of it – which I’ve heard is nature’s way of getting you to be ok with doing it all over again.

Towards the end of my pregnancy I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. My blood pressure was moderately high (it had never been high before or earlier in my pregnancy), I had protein in my urine, and my leg/foot swelling was pretty severe. As much as this condition was frustrating/uncomfortable and can lead to serious complications…I thankfully wasn’t in a lot of pain. I ended up working the last three weeks of my pregnancy from home to keep my blood pressure down. There was a point when this bummed me out a lot but… 1) I was lucky to have the flexibility to work from home and 2) I needed to let go of the unrealistic expectation of working up until my due date like other women I know. It just wasn’t in the cards for me.

This was one of the last and only pictures I have of myself “super” pregnant. Admittedly, we took quite a few to get one that I was comfortable with. It was worth it though because we want to be able to show Ellie one day!

there they are! my super swollen cankles and feet! Those lines are from the only pair of slip on sandals I was able to wear towards the end of my pregnancy! 

Because of the preeclampsia I was closely monitored towards the end and they typically induce you around the 37 week mark vs. let you go with it for too long. My doc had me induced at 38 weeks and a couple days. We both felt better knowing I had passed the 37 week mark which is considered full term these days.

I went into Beth Israel on a Wednesday night. I was given cervidil around 11pm. Then it was a waiting game and the nurses came by periodically to check on me. I was given 2 doses. At 3am Thursday morning my water broke. I was wide awake and remember feeling a weird pop and a rush of fluid. Nick was sound asleep. It was then that I realized my husband can fall sound asleep anywhere at the drop of a dime. I paged the nurses and they came right in.

I had this impression that things would speed up after this point. Not really! My cervix took a few more hours to totally efface. During this time, I was having bad cramping and opted for a narcotic (I think it was fentanyl) to help with the pain. I was too early for the epidural and the medicine they gave me didn’t take away the pain it just made me feel woozy – but I was able to calm down a bit and nod off. Up until then I was just sitting up watching the clock and wanting to punch Nick for snoring.

Once I started dilating they moved us to a delivery room. At this point, I was progressing pretty well. I honestly can’t remember exact timing but once I hit 2 centimeters, I asked for the epidural. It was honestly the unknown of “will this pain get worse??” that convinced me I needed the epidural right then. I was nervous getting the epidural would hurt but it wasn’t that bad at all. I was nervous it would totally numb me, but I could still feel my toes which I was happy about and it completely took away the severe cramping that is contractions.

It wasn’t until Thu night that it was actually time to push. Since you are able to administer the epidural dosing to yourself (although they regulate it to a button press every 20 mins or so) I was fully numb below the waist except for my toes. In hindsight I wish I didn’t let myself get that numb as I couldn’t feel if my pushing was actually “working”/focused on the right area! The nurses kept telling me to push like I was trying to poop. I had a ridiculous fear of pooping while pushing. It was honestly distracting because I kept thinking I pooped myself in front of everyone. In hindsight, this was a complete waste of energy. Don’t do what I did and preoccupy your mind with a silly worry like this. Just remember, the nurses have seen it all!

I had also told the nurses that Nick was going to hold a leg while pushing but he’d stay up near my shoulders. Also, in hindsight, this is hilarious because I didn’t want him to see “everything” and believe me when I say he saw IT ALL by the end of this production. There was no way around it. Just let it go. Any and all modesty goes out the window when you’re trying to get that baby out!

So there I was pushing for hours and every so often a doctor or resident would come by to check if Ellie was progressing. At first things were looking good. Then, boom, she was right at the birth canal. I kept pushing for hours and she did not budge. I’ve never been so exhausted in my life. At one point, the doctor wanted me to push ‘one more hour’ and I asked for a short break because I felt so weak. I cried a bit because I was feeling discouraged.

It was around 1am Friday morning that I was totally zapped. There was talk of forceps or the vacuum – both of which freaked me out. I started to feel really frustrated because she literally wasn’t moving, and I felt like all my effort was useless. I asked to speak to the doctor and told myself to stay calm and avoid getting testy. I looked at the doctor and just asked her – based on her professional opinion, what should I do? She’s not moving. If she were moving, if even a tiny bit, I’d keep pushing, but this was getting to be too much. This is when she finally looked at me and said a c-section was my best option. That’s all I needed to hear. Ellie’s head was sideways, and she wasn’t coming out the natural way.

They needed to prep the OR and during this time both Nick and I passed out cold. I woke up around 2am being wheeled into the OR. I was delirious. For those who’ve been in an OR, it’s a freaky place. So bright and white!

They lay you out on the table and have your arms spread at your sides. Thankfully, they don’t strap them down because I would have lost it. Nick wasn’t in the room yet and because I was so tired and anxious – I started to feel really panicked. I had a moment or two where I thought I was going to have a panic attack but tried my best to control my breathing. The anesthesiologist administered the medicine through my epidural line and I was freaked out I’d lose total feeling in my lower body. Don’t get me wrong, you want to be numb for this surgery! The whole idea of being cut open on table while awake is unnerving. But I was glad that I could still feel my toes after the meds set in. And finally, Nick entered the room and I told myself “if anything went wrong he could carry me out.” Ha!

It felt like the actual c-section was pretty long. Ellie was stuck down there, and Nick said it was kind of crazy how my body rocked back and forth while they tried to dislodge her. I just laid there shaking and teeth chattering profusely. Apparently, this is a common side effect though.

Finally, she was out. At 2:53am on Friday, June 8th – almost 24 hours from the time my water broke, we heard a loud screech. It was such a relief to hear that sound. I remember thinking she sounded like a cat. They had Nick stand up to see her. And lucky him he also got to see my insides on the table (gross!) because they hadn’t put me back together yet. Like I said earlier, by the end of this he saw EVERYTHING.

There we are. The anesthesiologist offered to take a pic – in my mind I thought ‘hell no! I’m a mess!’ But thankfully I agreed. I expected to be a whiteish green in these pics based on how anxious and exhausted I felt…but I’m glad I didn’t let those thoughts prevent me from getting such a perfect picture. The first moments our little family was finally together. ♥️

 

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There she is! Eleanor Susan Moore…ESM…better known as: Ellie Sue

They had Nick get up and go over to the station where they clean her up, weigh her, and cut the umbilical cord. It was weird to know she was “here” but I had to wait what felt like at least 5-10 minutes to actually meet/see her. I wasn’t all starry-eyed waiting for her. I was still shaking and wanted to just get the hell out of the OR. When they finally brought her over – I couldn’t believe how small and cute she was! And thank god – healthy.

Once they put me back together and transferred me to a gurney – the nurse held her out and asked if I wanted to hold her. I started to feel sick and the last thing I wanted was to hold her and get sick. So, there I was – barfing up a storm while everyone stood around me. I was finally able to hold her in the recovery area. All was right in the world and she was truly the most beautiful little thing I’d ever seen.

My recovery experience at Beth Israel was really positive. I know how lucky we are to have a healthy baby despite a somewhat tricky labor and delivery. I am grateful that I gave birth at BI.

heading home! some would say we overpacked but I was happy with everything we brought. As we got in the elevator to leave the nurse said…”see you next year!!” haha! I don’t think so!

What also helped was I didn’t go in with a strict birth plan. I had filled out this questionnaire (designed by Earth Mama Organics) that gave me a good sense of some considerations but I had decided long ago there was no use to go in with a plan because like many things, I knew I wouldn’t have control over this situation. I was somewhat upset I ended up with a c-section, but it wasn’t as bad because I went in telling myself “you just don’t know what will happen” and in the back of my mind a c-section was always a possibility. Especially because I was induced. The probability of a c section is higher when you are induced.

My advice would be – let go of any master plans or big expectations. Also, no two birth experiences are the same so don’t get too caught up on other people’s stories. It was really only so helpful to read / hear other people’s stories. Some people freaked me out while others made it seem so easy.

And that’s Ellie’s birth story. I can’t believe it’s been 7 week since then. If you have any questions – ask me in the message section. I’m happy to share more content on this/related topics! fitness during pregnancy? c-section recovery? what to pack in your hospital bag? you name it!

Q&A on the journey to family

/ BethonBeauty / 1 Comment

How did you prepare for fertility treatments/IVF?

Find a doctor that you’re comfortable with that you can ask questions to and feel like your perspective and concerns are being heard. I got a lot of recommendations and did some online research but it came down to meeting the doctor in person. My husband and I live near Boston so we benefit by having a lot of options in the area. If you don’t live in such an area, I’d say, do your research online and even find a group on Facebook that can give you a trusted referral to start with.

Do your research on costs. I was somewhat naive going in. I knew we had some insurance coverage but I took for granted how much we had (or shall I say, didn’t have). There were a bunch of “surprise” bills because of this. I didn’t realize we had a coverage cap on fertility medications separate from the lifetime max on our insurance for the fertility treatments/procedures (which includes blood work, surgeries, egg retrieval etc.). I found the whole insurance process confusing and super frustrating. I think this is where your partner can step in to help. Encourage him/her to do the research and help with the paperwork. Then you can plan from the outset if you need to set aside or save up money for the cost of fertility treatments/IVF.

To prepare for an actual IVF round, some people suggest cutting out certain foods or “getting in better shape.” Honestly, I didn’t make any drastic changes. There will be enough going on – I didn’t need to start a new “diet” or work out routine. I did however prioritize self care. Which could mean a lot of things – more yoga, less alcohol (I didn’t say NO alcohol), more sleep, mani/pedi, time alone, reading etc. Don’t feel one bit bad putting yourself first during this time. If you can’t make certain events or swing an after-work outing, just don’t go, and don’t beat yourself up about it.

What helped during IVF?

As mentioned above, self care. A bit of pampering helped – which included heading to bed early most week nights after shots. Oh, and red wine if I wanted it. And giving myself permission to lay low if that’s how I felt. Additionally, comfy leggings because you’ll likely feel bloated!

The other piece of advice which I realize is easier said than done – try to stay off the internet and googling things. Try your best to take it one step at a time and not compare to other people’s experiences. When we did our egg retrieval we got 5 eggs – I was SO upset. I had read about some women getting 15+. I remember crying to the doctor and feeling like the whole process was a waste. She said to me “I have my daughter from a 5 egg retreival.” It still didn’t make me feel better though. I knew 5 eggs didn’t mean 5 embryos. We ended up with 2 embryos. The first one didn’t take and the second one…well, that’s Ellie! So my point is, please please, if you can, avoid the internet and allowing yourself to snowball around what ifs. You are on your own path and often times these online forums are not that helpful and just cause more anxiety.

How do you support a friend going through IVF?

I wrote a little about this in my first post…but I think this is a good questions because I know it’s tough on both ends. As a friend of someone going through IVF, don’t feel like you always have to bring it up or do any grand gestures per se. A text saying hello and asking how your friend is feeling can go a long way. Like any other tough situation in life, it helps to just reach out, say hello, and stay connected. The worst thing is feeling alienated or that people are avoiding you because of the situation. Again, a card or a simple text can be enough. No one expects you to have the perfect thing to say. We’re all human!

Do I tell my family? close friends? boss?

This is truly personal preference. I’ve gotten to the point where I am very comfortable sharing with people how we got to this pregnancy. But some people aren’t as comfortable sharing such details. Also, I think “your circle” becomes clear over time. Those people who you feel more comfortable giving more information to vs. those people who you might keep moderately or mildly informed. I don’t think you should pressure yourself to share more than you want to regardless of who.

As for work, again, I think it comes down to how comfortable you are sharing and if you think the support system is there for you. You’re going to have a lot of appointments and might have “off” days with all the hormones charging through you – so it could help to let your boss and/or immediate team know what’s happening outside of work that could impact what’s happening at work. Again, we’re all human. Life happens. And it’s hard to always keep things separate. And honestly, if people aren’t supportive at work, I’d eventually re-look at your place of employment because if there is one thing I’ve learned, sh*t happens. Illness, accidents, loss…something is bound to come up for everyone, so showing empathy in the work place is critical to fostering a strong team and healthy work/life balance.

What general advice do you have for couples going through IVF?

It’s a journey and can be an emotional one. If you can swing it, I think couples or individual therapy can be helpful when you’re going through the process. Additionally, I think it’s important to make time as a couple outside of the whole “journey to family” process. It’s very easy to let it take over and it can zap the romance. Try your best to set aside time to go on a date and be with each other not under the terms of baby-making.

The other thing I found helpful was (as mentioned above) – having Nick take on some of the insurance stuff – as I was too overwhelmed with starting the medication and the “idea” of it all. This way, it felt like we were dividing up some of the work. Nick also mixed and prepped the meds for me which was helpful and was the one who got the supplies (e.g. band-aids). I know it’s tough to see your significant other taking medications and going through pain…so it helped to have him involved/accountable in some way in the process.

As the woman, it’s inevitably more stress on your body – so hopefully your partner will be open to giving out extra TLC. Such as, going out and grabbing you an ice cream or giving you a back rub. I also always reminded Nick that neither of us are experts in the topic and it was uncharted territory for us both. It can be tough when you’re in the thick of it – but try to cut each other slack. We always reminded each other that at the end of the day, we’re a team and we’re in it together. I also sometimes just needed him to listen to my concerns and anxieties even if he didn’t totally “get it.”

Were you nervous about the medication?

I’ve had people say to me “I’d never be able to go through that!” and believe me, there was a time when the idea of putting hormones into my body was a “ya f’in right.” But then you’re faced with something as your only or best option for a biological child. I totally understand and respect the people who opt not to do fertility treatments as it’s a lot of stress on the body (and mind). However, like anything else, until you’re faced with the decision and/or option, it’s hard to know how you’ll feel.

I definitely feared what the meds could do in the long term. I worried about them increasing my risk of cancer. But I tried to look at it with more perspective, I knew in a lot of ways Nick and I are lucky because we even had the option of IVF. I always knew that like any medical procedure there is risk. So, we decided together that it was the path we wanted to take. However, I also wanted to discuss the possibility of adoption because to me it was about having a family even if it wasn’t exactly how I pictured it all coming together in my mind’s eye. It was also acknowledging the unknown in the process and what options we did have if things didn’t go the way we wanted them to initially.

So yea, overall, I hate the idea of the meds and I didn’t like taking them. But here I am pregnant with Ellie…and without those meds, I don’t think we’d be here. Rather than dwell on what could be all the bad in the experience – I’m more focused on being grateful for getting this far and holding our baby girl one day soon.

Chapter Four: Baby Moore is on the way

/ BethonBeauty / 1 Comment

I more than survived my surgery. After a couple months of recovery – we neared what would be our second embryo transfer. Because we had 1 little guy “on ice” we were able to forgo the full-blown IVF process and “just” do the embryo transfer phase. This still involves giving yourself meds. For me, the meds came in the form of estrogen patches and oral estrogen pills (#crazytrain), as well as progesterone shots. Shots right in the butt cheek. Nick had to administer these shots which I wasn’t happy about. During our first round of IVF I did the injections myself (Nick prepped the meds though)… I felt better having control over when the needle went into my stomach. So anyways, Nick had to learn how to do the progesterone injections. He got pretty good at it!

The day of the embryo transfer is relatively uneventful. You go to the doc office and they carefully put the embryo into your uterus. It’s painless. It’s very precise and sterile. There is a doc, nurse(s), ultrasound tech (since they watch on a screen when its transferred), and an embryologist in the room. Romantic, right?

I remember the ultrasound tech saying “oh my god, that’s a gorgeous embryo!” as they released it into my uterus (which I could see on the ultrasound screen…but barely, it’s so tiny). This made me burst out laughing which then made me panic because you’re supposed to stay very still during the procedure. I was sure I messed something up.

Once they’re done, you’re sent on your way. They no longer advise bed rest after a transfer (at least not my doc) but they told me to take it easy. Nick and I took it easy at the local bagel shop. Everything bagel, toasted with veggie cream cheese and a coffee. Oh, you thought I’d give up caffeine? Pfff. At this point, I was over depriving myself. It was also our 5-year anniversary the day we did the transfer. Between the special date and the delicious bagels and coffee – I think we had some type of lucky combination.

Now comes the fun part, you continue with the injections and have to wait 10 days to see if the embryo implants. This is a long 10 days. Go ahead and google the “10 day wait.” It’s a real thing. If you get your period, that means the embryo didn’t implant. If you don’t get your period, that could mean you’re pregnant.

Against medical recommendation, I took a pregnancy test at Day 6. I told myself…I know I’m not “supposed” to but I don’t f*ckin’ care. After last time when I held out until day 10 and legit got my period THAT morning and cried in the bathroom – I was like “I want to know NOW if this might be another big fat negative.” So, I peed on a pregnancy test. Not a fancy one but also not a cheap one. At this point, it’s like boggling your mind the money you’ve spend on this whole situation. No digital test for me at this stage.

And there it was…a very faint positive. I thought about not telling Nick. What if I got his hopes up for nothing? But, I couldn’t keep it a secret. I remember telling him as he laid on the couch watching TV. He was ecstatic. There I was…straight faced, like “yup, it’s positive but it’s really faint. I’m going to take another in the morning.” #nofunpolice

The reality is this “sciency” process does take a bit of the fun out of it.

The next morning, I took another test and there it was the same faint line. Over the next few days I told my sister – but kept it very hush hush otherwise as I waited for my official blood test. The morning of blood test, I went to the doc to get my blood drawn and then headed into work. As I walked into work I got a call from my Aunt…my Dad was in the hospital. He didn’t want me or my sister to know…but he was there and he was having heart issues.

Next thing I know, I’m at Faulkner Hospital. Which is the hospital my Dad decided to drive himself to after he went to urgent care with severe chest pains and they advised him to go to the hospital immediately. He was in good spirits and at this point we weren’t completely sure what was going on.

I got the call that we were indeed pregnant while I stood in the hallway at the hospital. I decided not to tell my Dad at this point as it was still so early in the pregnancy and I wanted him to focus on his health. Inside, I was happy and although my Dad being sick was scary, for some reason, this positive news and the realization that something was actually growing in there…gave me a sense of calm and strength I didn’t think I had.

Over the course of the next 6 weeks…my Dad was transferred to Brigham and Women to undergo a double bypass surgery. He was lucky. Had he not gone to the hospital when he did he would have had a massive heart attack. The surgery saved his life.

After a week or so of recovery in the ICU and then cardiac unit at the Brigham, my Dad moved into our house in Scituate and my sister, niece, and nephew came to stay with us for three weeks to help him recover. It was a crazy time. During most of it, I was ‘hiding’ my pregnancy from mostly everyone except those closest to us. I was going to work every day and either going to hospital after or coming home to a full house.

At about 8 weeks pregnant we had a scare. I had just gotten my hair done in town and was taking the boat home. All seemed fine at the time. But as I walked off the boat I got this weird feeling, like I had just gotten my period. It was like a sudden rush “down there.” In my head I thought “what was that? Did I get my period? This is weird.”

Once I got in the car, I reached down and touched the outside of my pants…blood had literally soaked through them. I panicked and called my sister. My sister has always been the calm one and thank god she was at our house. She told me everything could be ok and maybe it was just some spot bleeding. I drove home thinking “wow, I can’t believe this is over. No baby anymore.”

I really didn’t want to tell Nick what happened. I called the doctor and he told me that if I was still bleeding to go to the ER. Thankfully, I wasn’t. He told me it didn’t necessarily mean we lost the baby. But there I was like, “doc, this wasn’t like a little blood. This was A LOT.” He told me to take some Benadryl and come into the office in the morning for an ultrasound. I told Nick what was going on and we both slept like sh*t. The next morning we were like two zombies heading into the doc office waiting to hear the news. When we got there the nurses were very sweet and once in the ultrasound room the tech told us that she needed to look around before telling us anything. We just sat there in silence. God, that cannot be an easy job.

Finally, she goes, “ok, there it is.” And turned the screen towards us. I was like “what?” And she said “the baby, it’s right there. Everything looks fine.” I was so relieved. I think Nick was about to pass out. But I was also confused. Like, “wait, what caused that heavy bleeding? That can’t be normal?!” And she told us – that actually yes, sometimes sporadic bleeding does happen during early pregnancy and it’s not always a bad sign. Since mine was not accompanied by cramping and it tapered off, they said it was probably just old blood leaving my system. I was still baffled but grateful nonetheless.

Here we are now at 23 weeks pregnant. I have a baby registry and a bare room ready to become a nursery. I have a pot belly that my boobs pretty much rest on now. I can’t wear any of my old pants and have invested in maternity tops left and right. My mind still goes a bit haywire when people congratulate us. I’m so grateful but I also know I won’t fully believe it until I’m holding HER (her name is Baby Ellie) in my arms. Until then, I’m trying my best to take it one day at a time. I’m also trying to give other women some hope. Although I realize this road doesn’t always work out for everyone, I do have more faith now than I did before. And I’m often reminded of something someone said to me when we were in the thick of it all – “you might not have the family exactly how you pictured it in your mind’s eye but you WILL have a family one day.”

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This is Nana. Ellie Moores’ namesake. Also in this photo is my niece, Gianna who is 2 now.

That concludes Chapter Four. My next Chapter I’ll share a bit more about what helped me during my first trimester. Also, if there are any questions or topics people are particularly interested in, please email me. I’d love to use to fuel a future post. bethamckenna@gmail.com

Chapter Three: Getting through surgery to the other side

/ BethonBeauty / 1 Comment

For me the prospect of needing a surgery (even though it wasn’t a ‘major surgery’) was overwhelming and I decided I needed a second opinion before I’d agree to it. So, there I went looking for a new fertility doctor. I got a lot of recommendations, but I ended up with someone who had good reviews, no mal-practice lawsuits (thanks for checking that, Mom), and was located close to my work. Oh, and by the way, I found him online, all by myself! At the end of the day, it really came down to the fact that both Nick and I ‘vibed’ with him.

At first the doctor said, “don’t worry, we’ll get you pregnant, you don’t need surgery.” This was music to my ears. However, after his own examination and testing (hello, I’d had like 150 vaginal ultrasounds at this point), he concluded actually, you should get this tube removed before we do anymore treatments. It helped to have another doctor tell me this was our best option. So, reluctantly I agreed. I swear I even pushed the surgery back a time or two. But in June of 2017, I went to Boston Medical for laparoscopic surgery to finally remove my “bad tube.”

I was pretty nervous the day of. I was going to be put under general anesthesia. Being an anxious bird, I thought about “what if I don’t wake up?” – “what if something goes terribly wrong?” – “what if I get an infection?” a lot of things went through my mind leading up but on the day of the surgery I was pretty calm. I channeled my yoga breathing and was able to just let the worries go. It helped that the surgeon/doctor/nurse team at BMC was incredible.

I remember being in the surgery room before I officially “went out.” I think I started jabbering about transporting myself to some tropical place. I tuned out to the sound of the nurses laughing. When I woke up – I had some pain, but the nurses quickly helped me get it under control. Nick was right there and had picked me up some treats from Eataly. While I was in surgery for a few hours, the nurses encouraged him to “go get me a treat.” He definitely delivered. I ate the yummy Italian chocolate and gummies on the ride home…clearly, hadn’t lost my appetite.

Following the surgery, I knew I had at least a month or more to heal. That was ok. I had some stuff planned over the summer including an incredible trip to Chile. Looking back, I’ve really tried to see the light in this whole journey. During those ~3ish limbo years, I’d been able to do some things that I probably wouldn’t have been able to do if we got pregnant sooner. Like pursue my yoga teacher certification, change jobs, go to San Diego (and get a tattoo!), Dubai, London, go to Chile and stay in an adobe home, take a couple trips to the magical Kripalu (check this place out), and just overall, find more gratitude in my life “as it is.”

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Beautiful church in the village of Pisco Elqui in Chile. Lucky enough to visit this magical place in Aug of 2017

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Nick getting his first tattoo in San Diego during our May 2017 trip. He got the Moore family shield on this arm!

The other part of this experience that I want to mention is the financial part. Kinda throwing it in here now.

Nick and I are lucky because we live in a state where many companies provide some infertility coverage. But it’s still not that great. In other states, couples get NO insurance/financial support and spend thousands, tens of thousands, on treatment.

Not only is IVF emotionally and physically draining but it’s financially challenging as well! I’ve heard about many couples who forego buying a home, deplete savings, to afford a round of IVF. It makes me angry because there is no guarantee it’ll work. It’s so much overwhelm and unknown when you’re going through it. I think companies should do more to support their employees who go through this process.

Roughly 10-12% of couples will have trouble conceiving. It doesn’t seem like a lot. But look around your group of friends…for me, it’s at least 1 in 10. I know multiple women who’ve dealt with varying degrees of fertility challenges. One thing I want to help with is advocating for couples, especially those who might not have ready access to insurance coverage or “extra income” to cover the cost of treatments and medication. I haven’t figured out the exact way yet, but I’m open to ideas. In the meantime, I’ll continue to share our story in the hopes of connecting with others who’ve walked a similar path and bringing awareness to this topic.

This concludes Chapter Three. My next chapter will be the part of the journey where I actually got pregnant. I still can’t believe it.

Chapter Two: Time to visit the fertility doc

/ BethonBeauty / 2 Comments

The one good thing about having an ectopic pregnancy is your partner will probably feel really bad for you. Does that sound horrible? I don’t mean it to. But the fact is…Nick knew I’d been through a lot (he had too). We were told we couldn’t try to conceive for three months post methotrexate injections so…in an effort to turn lemons to lemonade, I came up with the genius idea of a vacation. Not just any vacation but one to Hawaii.

Now, if we hadn’t gone through the ectopic this vacation wouldn’t have happened. We had just bought a house after all. But Nick knew I needed something to look forward to so there I went…booked us a nice three-year anniversary trip to Maui and Kauai.

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There I am, near a waterfall in Maui. I selected this pic because 1) pretty sure Nick was behind the camera cursing me under his breathe for making him spend $$ on a fancy vaca. But I was loving it! 2) this tank and what is says #everybodyfights from one of my favorite gyms in Boston

Once back, after a month or so, we were back to trying for a baby the ole fashion way. During these next six-ish months I tried everything…acupuncture, special diets, special lube (hello “pre-seed”), tracking my temperature, ovulation strips, ovulation apps etc. Nada. None of it worked for us. Shove it all up ya butt. I don’t know why but I had to type that.

Then, finally, we concluded it was time to see a fertility doc. Our first fertility doc was out of Harvard Vanguard in Boston. In hindsight, he was great. We started the testing that kicks off the process. The “only” thing they found was that one of my tubes was abnormal and likely causing the infertility. They didn’t know “for sure” but assumed that was it. I was recommended for a surgery to have the tube removed. I was not ready for that, so we decided to try Clomid.

Clomid. That sh*t. I think we did 2-3 rounds. It’s much less “invasive” than IVF but damn, this medicine was my least favorite. Hot flashes, mood swings. I did not feel great on it. We did ultrasound tracking with it. Nothing. It did not work for us. We forged ahead to IVF.

I’m glad we did our first round of IVF moving into the winter. Between the meds and the constant appointments, I just wanted/needed to be in comfy clothes. Long sweaters, leggings, hide me. I’m not sure how I would have fared if we did this in the summer.

I’m not going to go through the entire process here. But I will say, yes, you have to give yourself (or have your partner give you) injections. Daily. The first night of meds I FREAKED. The idea of putting a needle in myself filled with hormones/lawd knows what, was plain unsettling. But once I just did it (it took awhile and a lot of whining)…it was ok. Nick bought fun band aids which added some comic relief. Pretty sure they were Paw patrol.

All in all, the process is about a month. But it occupies more time between the testing beforehand and then the waiting once you do the embryo transfer. Post transfer you have to wait 10 days to find out if you’re pregnant. On the 10th day I woke up prepared to go to my appointment for bloodwork (feeling hopeful because I hadn’t gotten my period) and boom…went to the bathroom and got my period that morning.

I was devastated. I didn’t even want to tell Nick. After all that “work” – we got nothing. I actually drove myself to work that morning but ended up having to pull over in a Walgreens parking lot because I was so upset. I told myself to go to work because all I could think at the time was “we’ll have to do this again?! I’ll need more time off. What am I going to do?” Now, if I could share some advice to anyone going through this – please, cut yourself some slack. I ended up texting a friend at work, told her what happened, and asked if she’d cover a couple meetings. Thank goodness for her. Then, I drove home and got in bed.

The hardest part really was the “after.” Nick was shocked…and he told me he would have “bet a million dollars we were pregnant.” This enraged me, to be honest. There is around a 40% chance (for women UNDER 35, I’m 34) with any given cycle that it’ll be successful. It’s not a silver bullet. Hey, I thought it was too before I actually went through it. Dealing with my emotions was one thing but having to see your partner hurt too is really hard. Then, couple that with the crash (that I felt, at least) when suddenly you’re taken off all the meds. I didn’t realize it at the time but my emotions were heightened by the fact that I had been taking all these drugs/hormones and suddenly off. Cold turkey. Again, poor Nick, I’m pretty sure he was scared of me during this time.

My sister and close friends carried me through. When people ask me what helped / how they can help a friend going through this process. I tell them, just be there, just reach out, check in. 90% of the advice I was offered wasn’t helpful. Don’t get me wrong, I understand. I’m the first one to offer advice in hopes that I can help someone. But really, telling me I needed to just relax, or try this diet, or go to this doctor, or just give it more time, did not make me feel better. What did was just saying hi, checking in, and offering an ear to listen. Or how about ‘wanna get a mani?’ Yes. As simple as that. But then again, what I also learned about myself during this process is that I have a tendency to sometimes get quiet when tough things happen to people. Not because I don’t care – but the opposite. I want so badly to help, to somehow relieve some pain, but I don’t know what to say, or I fear saying the wrong thing and it makes me shut down. So, if there is one thing I learned and would tell others, just reach out. No one is perfect. A simple card, a text is enough. Just show up.

This about concludes chapter 2. My next chapter is about my surgery. The surgery that thankfully got us to this current pregnancy. But I’ll tell you now, I wasn’t sure it would work at the time.